


Sizzle it Up With Lup and Taako: Bahumia Tour

by SandrC



Series: Balance My Deeds With My Misdeeds [45]
Category: Not Another D&D Podcast, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: BACK ON MY BULLSHIT, Balance Arc, Coz fuck her, Found Family, Its upsetting how easy it is for me to do this to myself, Let me dream, Sky hitler is again not here, TAZ: Balance, beverly would wear a skirt for sure if he could get away with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 03:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16987344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandrC/pseuds/SandrC
Summary: "Welcome, you all, to Sizzle It Up With Lup And Taako!""Or Taako and Lup," the one on the right said. The one on the left elbowed them in the ribs."Dibs," Hardwon and Moonshine said simultaneously.





	Sizzle it Up With Lup and Taako: Bahumia Tour

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck off. I did another one.
> 
> Hardwon and Moonshine have the same taste in women and it's great coz, like, Mood.
> 
> Let Bev Wear A Skirt twenty-gay-teen!
> 
> I regret nothing.
> 
> Post TAZ finale and post Galaderon Saga.

Taako and Lup set their caravan up with waves of their arcane focuses. Wordlessly, in a dance that no one but them knew, they prepared for a wonderful show in an area that didn't know them as _anything_ other than traveling chefs.

What the _fuck_ kind of place was the Crick anyway?!

* * *

Moonshine was all aflutter, eyes filled with stars and stomach with butterflies, as the stagecoach echoed with the noise of setting up. Beverly, _too_ , was supremely excited, as he bounced in place. Hardwon, however, seemed _pretty_ nonplussed. _Seemed_ being the optimal word. Internally he was _losing_ his _shit_.

If the Crick Elves were excited about the food, it would _have_ to be _really fucking good_. And Hardwon _loved_ good food. _Beyond reason._

"What kind of people do you think are doing this show?!" Beverly whispered, over the ambient hooting of Crick younguns and bullywogs.

"I _wanna_ say...gnomes?! They're crafty folk?" Moonshine seemed unsure.

" _I dunno_...Lup and Taako are weirdass names. Maybe something more _exotic_?" Hardwon offered.

" _Exotic_?" Beverly asked.

"Tiefling or aaracokra or tabaxi?"

" _Fair_."

Behind the barriers of the stagecoach, the sound of working came to a final rush and the clipped sound of a strange Elven dialect could be heard.

" _Fucking ready?_ "

" _Always_."

The curtain drew back and the show began.

On the stage was an _amazingly beautiful_ set of sun-elf twins. Both of them wore _stunning_ outfits in bright reds with silver accenting. The one on the left had short hair in a cropped undercut while the one on the right had a long braid. Their hair was a deep gold, skin a freckled brown, and they were dripping with jewelry. They gave the Crick a wild grin and said, " _Welcome_ , you all, to _Sizzle It Up With Lup and Taako!_ "

" _Or_ Taako and Lup," the one on the right said. The one on the left elbowed them in the ribs.

" _Dibs_ ," Hardwon and Moonshine said simultaneously. Meanwhile, Beverly was too awestruck to even speak, entranced by the showmanship of it all.

"I am, _of course,_ your _wonderful_ brother-host Taako," the one on the right said, taking a sweeping bow. His skirt flared out and his peasant top fluffed in the breeze of his movement.

"And that makes _me_ your better, _older_ , sister-host Lup," the one on the left said, deftly avoiding Taako's elbow to the ribs with practiced ease. Her cloak billowed wildly.

"Okay, _nope_ , calling dibs on Lup _now_ ," Hardwon grinned at Moonshine.

"I _will_ fight you for the right," Moonshine said, "and _if_ I lose, I'll be the _best_ damn wingman."

"I accept and _will_ meet your terms."

Beverly just watched, entranced. Taako, _despite_ saying "brother-host", was dressed in a more _feminine_ manner than his sister and that was... _nice_. His nails were painted in shimmering burgundy that glittered in the light and the iridescence was the same color as his earrings. It made Beverlt feel... _kinda_ jealous...

He looked _so comfortable_.

"Now we heard you folks out here like it _simple and spicy_ so let us tell you, you're in for a _fucking_ treat!" Taako gestured to his sister and the setup behind them. "Coz my sis Lup is _queen_ of spice back home!"

"So what say you we teach y'all how to cook _Five Alarm Cave Slug_?!" At Lup's addition, the Crick just hollers and whoops.

Upon further inspection, Lup was _just_ as wild and flamboyant as her brother. She just held on to her dramatic streak until the _actual_ cooking, using evocation magic to jet large spurts of flame underneath the food to sear the peppers to release the spice. As Taako worked the crowd with talking, noting the finer points of making cheap gourmet food, Lup was sautéing with panache. Then, they swapped and Lup talked about the best way to fillet and prep a cave slug.

"They're _real_ fucking big. These damn slugs can be found _every_ -fucking-where, _including_ underneath rocks in swampy places like this so they're easy protein!" The Crick Elves whooped louder. "So you wanna make sure you salt them _after_ you cook them, though, because the salt will just _slorp_ the moisture _right_ out of it and then you get slug-jerky and that is _terrible_."

Moonshine was _supremely_ entranced by this _wonderfully pretty_ , dark-skinned, _thick_ elf and her _wonderful_ cooking knowledge. She was moving in tandem with her brother like a wondrous dance and it was so _so_ good. Moonshine _loved_ how graceful she was and how comfortable she was and how _fucking hot_ she was.

She _also_ was intimidated as _fuck_ and very _very_ horny.

Hardwon closed his eyes for a moment and inhaled, taking in the scent of magically cooked food. Even _if_ he had prejudices when it came to eating weird food types—which he _didn't_ by _any_ stretch of the imagination—he wouldn't have even _known_ what was cooking was cave slug. It smelled like chicken with a layer of spices that _already_ made his eyes water. And, _in addition_ to the main dish, there was also the smell of buttery taro and burdok sauté. Meaty, spicy, and mealy. A wonderful concoction.

God _damn_ the food outside of Irondeep was de- _fucking_ -licious.

 _Another_ good reason he left.

As the show went on, Taako and Lup continued to dazzle and cook. Even the _younguns_ were quiet as they spoke fondly of Aunt Tilla and Peepums Tostada, of spices from far off lands, and of stupid jokes they remembered. The food was _almost_ done but would they have the food to feed the whole East Crick?!

 _Yes_. They would.

And the Five Alarm Cave Slug was _delicious_. Bev, with all his fire resistance, was teary and snot-filled as he munched on the tender slug steak. Hardwon was sweating as he horked his own meal down. Even PawPaw and Moonshine were snotty messes as they finished their food.

What was _more_ interesting was that Lup and Taako were eating and mingling with the Crick Elves and the rest of the crowd. They seemed almost in their element as they talked with one of the Petris—an _elder_ Petri—about the location of spices they used and also crawfish boils. Memaw sat with Mawmaw and half a dozen younguns near her as she ate. There was no segregation of the folk. The Sun Elves ate with the Crick Elves and there was harmony.

So Moonshine inhaled deeply and turned to Hardwon. "Rock, Paper, Scissors?"

" _On_ three or _after_?"

" _On_ three."

"Aight." They both braced themselves and held their hands out. "Rock, paper, _scissors_!" Hardwon cast paper against Moonshine's rock. " _Fuck_!"

"Damn? I _won_?"

" _Good throw_ , Hardwon." Moonshine adjusted his hair and beard slightly. "Go get'er!"

He seized up for a moment and swallowed heavily. Then he looked over his shoulder at Lup, "You...you think I have a chance?!"

" _Fuck_ yeah!" Moonshine beamed and Hardwon felt his anxiety melt away. "Now get _laid_ , Bastard of the Mountain!"

Hardwon puffed his chest out and grinned, assured. " _Yeah_! I will!"

* * *

Taako was taken aback by how hospitable these Crick people were. _Most_ people, even in Faerûn, who knew the Story and Song, were insincere with their interactions with both Taako and Lup. But _these_ folk were genuinely happy to be there and also for them to be there.

Every time he stepped in any direction, one of these backwater elves or bullywogs greeted him with a powerful handshake and a " _pleased t'meetcha_!" And, despite the warmth, Taako was wearing down a bit.

So it was, to his _immense_ relief, when a small halfling boy in heavy armor, and a scar across his forehead, walked up and cleared his throat. "Excuse me, sir?"

Taako quelled the knee-jerk reaction to razz the boy and call him Ango. Instead he nodded and said, " _Yeah_?"

"I was, _um_ , wondering if...," the halfling worried at the ground, the glint of metal in his teeth barely visible, "that _is_...how do... _um_..."

Taako frowned. This was a familiar and _unliked_ feeling. He, to his credit, didn't say a thing.

"How do you...find the, _um_ , courage to wear skirts and the like?" Oh. _Oh_! _That's_ a familiar question. _Yikes_.

"Well, _um_ , bunny boy," Taako began.

"My, _um_ , name is _Beverly_ , actually..."

"Yeah, _bunny boy_ , that's what I said." Defence mechanism but _shut up_. "You wake up one day and think, ' _yanno? Fuck it! I wanna wear a skirt!_ ' Then you do." Taako shrugged. "That's how chaboi do."

"You just... _decide_ to wear one? And then _do_?!" Beverly, eyes wide and ears quivering, stared up at Taako.

"I mean, unless you don't have the legs for it, but _fuck_ , dude! Wear what you like! _Fuck_ the system!"

" _What if_...what if people don't _like_ it?" He seemed to be worried about this. "What if people make _fun_ of you and then the person you like is weirded out?!"

"People can _suck it,_ you do you. As for the person you like," _don't project, don't project, don't project,_ "If they don't like it then they don't deserve you at your cutest and happiest. _Also_ , if I'm being honest?! My husband is _super_ chill with it so do you, my dude. _Dude_? Dude is gender- _whatever_. Dude."

Beverly, for what it was worth, had stars in his eyes. "Thank you _so much_ mister Taako!"

" _Just_ Taako, m'dude. Trademarked the _whole damn thing_ so best use the phrase I paid for."

" _Thank you_ Taako!" Then, almost intimidated by someone approaching Taako, Beverly backed up slightly.

"You teasing a child again, love?" Kravitz asked, placing a kiss against Taako's forehead. Beverly almost glowed with how happy he had gotten.

" _Nope_. This one came to _moi_ for advice."

" _Heavens_." Kravitz leaned forward and conspiratorially stage-whispered, "Don't listen to him. He's a _terrible_ model figure."

" _Lies and slander_!" Taako protested, a crooked grin on his lips.

Beverly just laughed.

 _Meanwhile_ , Lup was chatting up a very drunken Crick Elf when a humanman with a weirdly Dwarven beard—with _proper patterns_ and _everything_ —walked up to her and stood there, twiddling his fingers awkwardly. Behind him was a buxom Crick Elf with a scrappy possum between her breasts, who seemed to be urging him on.

" _Sup_ , man?" Lup saluted the humanman, who blushed heavily and started sweating.

"I, _um_ , _uhh_...hi?" He waved back, one-handed, and gave a weak, nauseous smile.

" _Hi_?"

"Hardon Surefoot? _Hardwon_! _Hardwon_ Surefoot! _Not_ hard-on. _Fuck_!" He stammered a bit and broke eye-contact, suddenly _hella_ embarrassed. It was so funny that she couldn't help but giggle a bit.

"Chill your tits man. It's _fine_." Lup chuckled. " _Everyone_ has the occasional Fantasy Freudian Slip."

Behind him, the Crick Elf giggled harder.

"Pleased to get your handle, Hardwon. _Dwarven_ , I'd assume? The braids are pretty nice." She gestured to her chin to indicate Hardwon's own beard.

Hardwon fluffed himself a bit and nodded. "Raised under Irondeep!"

" _Solid_! How's topside treating you?" Lup could tell how hard this dingbat was flirting and, honestly? _Flattered_. No, but flattered.

"Good food. The view is _great_. I flew an airship." Hardwon paused, then grinned harder, in a very Magnus way. " _Own_ said airship."

" _Wicked_. I bet flying that is a _de_ -fucking- _light_!"

"It _is_ pretty impressive."

"So, if you don't mind me saying, and _sorry_ if I read this wrong, but I'm _married_?" Lup tried. _Tried_ to be nice but...

Hardwon deflated. " _Well fuck_!" _Okay_. He was taking this well enough.

"I'm _flattered_ , though. Swear to Istus," Lup held up her fingers in a scout gesture.

" _Dammit_ , Moonshine!" Hardwon turned to his Elven companion and threw up his hands, "Fucking _taken_!"

" _Sheeeeit_!" Moonshine, apparently, swore. Her cheeks were dusted pink, which caused her freckles to pop in the best of way. "Well _that's_ a bust, ain't it?"

" _Flattered_ , lemme say that. _Both_ of y'all are _very_ attractive in your own way. _Good_ beard, _great_ glutes, _excellent_ tits." Lup winked at both of them, who blushed. "But, while I don't think my lich husband would mind me _flirting_ , commitment and or sex is a no-go."

" _Lich_?" Moonshine squeaked.

" _Ah???_ " Hardwon also squeaked.

" _Sorry_ if that's a _bit_ of a power-play, but _like_ , my brother _is_ dating the Grim Reaper so I gotta get my one-ups _somehow_." Lup laughed, gesturing over her shoulder to Taako and the dark-skinned stranger who was _also_ talking to Beverly.

"We need to save our boy," Hardwon squeaked.

" _Nah_ , he's _fine_. Bones wouldn't bother unless your kid is _really_ into necromancy."

"Not _our kid_ so much as _a_ kid we _travel_ with. He _is_ our _boy_ , _not_ our kid." Hardwon doth protest too much, Lup thinks. "And _quite_ the opposite. He's a paladin, _for sure_. _Farthest_ thing from necromancy."

" _Oh hell_! How old and what god?!" Lup grinned.

"Pelor and he's _fifteen_?"

" _Damn_ , Taako's gonna _shit_ himself. _His_ kid is eleven and a wizard-rogue so he's _hella_ squishy." Lup laughed but it was warm and wonderful.

"I'm sure him and Bev would get along like fungus on a stump!" Moonshine laughed.

"I'm sure they would."

And everyone was _so_ good.

* * *

When Lup and Taako packed up their stage wagon, they bid the whole Crick farewell with what could only be considered a spectacular display. _Pyrotechnics_ and _Thaumatergy_. It was amazing and everyone loved it.

Moonshine and Hardwon laughed gently about Lup and getting rejected. Beverly was oddly pensive but happy. And everyone's bellies were full and warm.

 _Overall_ , a weird experience, but not a _bad_ one.

Maybe Lup and Taako would be back in Bahumia soon. _Who knows?_

But they'd be welcome _no matter what_.


End file.
